My brother Ian, the raging Heathen

My brother Ian goes off.

There’s something awesome about fulminating rage from someone who can actually write. The title of this post refers to the quarter-page ads some fundamentalist nutjob used to buy in the Des Moines Register every sunday, which were dense, incoherent 750 word paragraphs, always under the headline “Why Do The Heathens Rage?”

I’ll add my own two cents with respect to raging about the ‘aughts’ decade. It was a decade so ruled by unreason, greed and nihilism that no one has come up with a name for it like ‘the seventies.’ My brother pretty much nailed it, but I have some specific complaints about the so-called conservative movement:

Dear Conservatives,

The latest in the long line of hobby horses y’all are wont to ride is Fiscal Responsibility. NOW you wring your hands over the National Debt and the Federal Deficit? Where the fuck were you when Cheney and Bush were flying C5As into Iraq full of PALLETS OF CASH and handing out bricks of hundreds to shady operators of all shapes and colors, without even GETTING A RECEIPT? Where were you when we started spending hundreds of millions of dollars a month to prosecute the worst run war in the history of warfare? Why were you silent when the Republicans rammed through tax cuts for the rich shithead leeches they play golf with?

We are in the middle of some pretty frightening deficit spending right now — I’ll grant you that. And I’m not crazy about the fact that we can’t rationalize the international financial system without handing out bricks of hundreds AGAIN without getting a receipt, this time to the shady operators who run banks. But you lot? You can fuck the fucking fuck right off. Health Care Reform, the Stimulus Plan, all the ways Obama and Congress are spending money right now is an INVESTMENT in our country — the education of our young, the care for our sick and infirm, the rebuilding of our country’s infrastructure.

Conservatives have NO problem with profligate deficit spending when it’s used to generate obscene profits for arms dealers and murderous thieving thugs like Blackwater. You have no problem mortgaging our future so a bunch of golf-playing, Swiss ski vacationing parasites can pay even LESS of their fair share for the common good. You have no trouble with paying CONSULTANTS a thousand dollars a day to TORTURE foreigners for the crime of being brown. But try to make government do something POSITIVE is just a bridge too far for you, isn’t it?

It’s all too much for me. It reminds me of one of Woody Allen’s best lines: “if Jesus came back and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up. ” The modern conservative movement has nothing to do with ‘conserving’ what is good and moderating the more outlandish liberal impulses. It is a coalition of cynical sociopaths hell bent on destroying the Earth and a bunch of deluded millenialist dead-enders who think gay people will somehow ruin marriage. Conservatism as it is practiced today is not antithesis to liberalism’s thesis. It is a ill-constructed system of specious theorems constructed on axioms of the PUREST BULLSHIT.

The Chaircrusher

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