Iowa Strike Down Gay Marriage Ban, Pegs FABULOUS METER

Iowa Supreme Court Strikes Down Gay Marriage Ban

Iowa used to be synonymous with rural backwater, something that has always irked Iowans. To the extent that was ever true, the Internet and Satellite TV made Iowans no less globally connected than the skinniest black-t-shirt rocking chainsmoking Manhattanite. Except they don’t have to lock their doors at night, and can leave the keys in their cars on Main Street all day long.

Now, in addition to world class pork and sweet corn, Iowa has a new claim to fame, as Midwest Capitol of The Gay. Iowa City has always prided itself as the Queerest City in Iowa, now gay people all over the state, even in What Cheer, Grundy Center, Mechanicsville and Altoona can join in civilly sanctioned matrimony.

Still up in the air. Can gay couples get married at Little Brown Church In The Vale? Because that would be sooo awesome. At any rate I expect a big economic boon from gay couples visiting to get married. Any of y’all gay brothers and sisters out there who are looking for a more rustic spot to tie the knot, Iowa is home to many insufferably cute Bed & Breakfasts, Antique Stores full of bargains, beautiful State Parks, and miles and miles of natural beauty. I’m sure we have our fair share of homophobic rednecks, but the vast majority of them are too polite to spoil your visit.

Quizno’s Conveyor Oven Outed As A Bottom

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at the pitch meeting for this ad campaign.

“OK — picture this. The oven talks.”
“Um, sure? What does it say?”
“It asks this sandwich chef to ‘put it in me'”
“Put what in it?”
“a foot long torpedo sandwich”
“Am I imagining things, or is this whole concept kind of gay?”
“It’s funny because it’s gay.”
“We sell sandwiches in mall food courts. Are we going to get more gay customers with this ad?”
“No idea, but it’s funny because it’s gay!”
“At the top of the ad, are you implying that ‘Scott’ the sandwich chef put his dick in the conveyor oven?”
“Not in so many words.”
“Won’t this alienate our more conservative customers?”
“Aw fuck them anyway. They’ll either not catch on to the double entendre, or it will piss them off. If it pisses them off, they’ll forever have Quiznos stuck in their head. And if they want a fucking sandwich, they’ll buy it from us, phallic symbolism and all. You’d have to have your food servers wear assless chaps to alienate someone hungry for a sandwich.”